Change of thought

New perspective

 On the 28th of May I was having a conversation with my incredible boyfriend. I broke down and began to cry because of the stuttering that day. I was speaking one to two words at a time and I just began to be so frustrated with myself not being able to express thoughts clearly. I felt so stupid for talking slower than usual and the anger just increased within the day. People who say "The stutter is just who you are" creates rage within my soul. I believe that the stutter is not who I am because it is not defining who I am but it is refining my mentality. It shapes me into the person I am. What DD (my boyfriend) said to me was "The stutter isn't who you are but it is a part of you". This was something which stood out and I realized that for years I had been irritated at something I couldn't control.

 No matter how badly I want to be able to speak like everybody else, sometimes I just can't. Have you ever dreamed of having something, but no matter how hard you try, it seems as if it can never be reached? This is how it felt for me. I used to have this hope that if I could just speak clearly then others would hear me and believe that I can make it. There was a problem though: by thinking this way I was wanting approval in those who don't care about me, rather than placing my trust in myself, God and those who already believe in me.

I suppose because of my stubborn character I wanted to prove all those people wrong, but truth is I simply can't make it when I'm focused on what they say about the stutter. I cannot move forward if I'm constantly thinking about all of those times people hung up the phone while I was trying to speak, been impatient during the drive thru service or teachers and students laughing. I cannot move on with my life if I am replaying all of those hard experiences, it feels like watching a sad movie on repeat.

Just the other day I had to call somebody on the phone and  because of all of my bad past experiences I found it to be very difficult to make that call. I even made a plan for this call on a piece of paper to help myself navigate through the conversation if my stutter got worse. Then I called and the person on other end seemed not to be bothered at all by the way I talked: she was nice, polite and encouraging, despite the stutter still being there. And then I realized something: nothing will change if I keep dwelling on the past.  Because of all my negative experiences I had developed this mindset to expect people being rude and inpatient because of the way I talk, and this fear was holding me back. This actually reminds me of what the 32nd President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, had said, "The only thing to fear is fear itself". The only thing to fear is being afraid and being controlled by anxiety.

I need to let fear go and believe people will be kind and patient. To have the hope that I can do it, to focus on courage and the possibilities which are ahead of me. I will take the courage to stand and with this new perspective, to rise and press forward with faith in myself.